Written By: Clarissa Mangaran
Ironically, I made a podcast and blog last week about setting boundaries with electronics, and here I am discussing what happens when those boundaries are disobeyed. How do we handle it? What do we do?
How do we discipline in a way that displays healthy, godly relationships?
I know that we could have chosen not to have any electronics available to our kids. Some parents make that choice, and that’s okay. However, in our household, we decided, with safe measures in place, to allow electronics. Just as the Lord put the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden, giving Adam and Eve the opportunity to choose obedience and exercise self-control, we’ve allowed electronics in our home. We want our children to practice saying no to temptation and develop self-control when using these devices.
Of course, in this fallen world, things don’t always go as planned. Recently, we discovered that one of our kids had been staying up all night on a device, chatting with friends. Naturally, we were disappointed. My husband and I sat down with her, set restrictions and consequences for two weeks, and had many conversations about why she felt the need to do that. We discussed how her actions led to lying, being cranky during the day, and even feeling dizzy and faint. These were natural consequences of not resting her body and brain.
We thought we were in the clear after setting those boundaries. I had the house phone and her laptop on my desk within view of our nanny cam for visibility and accountability. Then, during another conversation with three of our kids who were arguing last week, I found out she had been using the house phone while I was upstairs reading. I backtracked and discovered she had been on the phone several times despite lying and saying she had only used it once “real quick.” At one point, she even got comfortable in my office chair for a while!
As I dug deeper, I found out she had also used her older sister’s devices and Discord account to chat with her friends, thinking we wouldn’t find out. My husband and I took time to look at everything that had been going on and discuss it. I was really angry, but he helped calm me down. Interestingly, when we first discovered her staying up late, it was my husband who was really angry, and I had to calm him down. This is why I believe in the power of God putting men and women with different strengths and personalities together. We balance each other out and make a great team.
When we talked to her about the consequences of her actions, we also discussed how these devices were becoming an idol for her. She was disregarding God’s authority, our authority as parents, and the healthy boundaries we set for her. I explained that lying to us was hurting our relationship. I’ve heard it said, and it’s so true, that you earn trust by the spoonful but lose it by the bucketful.
We also talked about the role of a real friend. If someone is staying up with you all night to chat, do they really want what’s best for you? Staying up all night isn’t good for your health, and lying to your parents and sinning doesn’t glorify God. We need to help our children understand what it means to be a true friend, and this situation was a perfect example. Not only was this person not being a good friend, but our daughter wasn’t being a good friend either by encouraging the other child to stay up and lie to their parents.
After the fallout, we set new consequences. A few nights later, she came to us and confessed that she was really struggling with the temptation to sneak onto a device. She was frustrated with herself and felt like she didn’t have a healthy outlet for her frustration.
I saw this as a breakthrough moment. I told her, “I’m really proud of you for coming to me and telling me this. Now I can pray for you. Instead of struggling with this temptation in secret, where Satan loves to keep it, you brought it to the light. So let’s talk about it. What does this temptation mean? Why are you struggling with it?”
She admitted, “I prayed that God would take the desire to sneak away from me, but I’m still dealing with it.”
I told her, “Oh, babe. It doesn’t happen overnight like that. It’s just like when you exercise; if I were to do one sit-up today, would I have a six-pack tomorrow? No, honey, it takes a healthy diet and a long time of working out those muscles. It takes discipline in that area. It doesn’t happen overnight. The same thing is true when it comes to the muscle of self-control – we have to exercise that. And if God were to just say, ‘You prayed for this temptation to sin to be taken away; now it’s gone. Poof!’ How often do you think we would keep coming back to the Lord? We probably wouldn’t because we would be like, ‘Cool, I don’t need God anymore.’ But that’s not what God wants. He wants us to have an intimate relationship with Him, dependent on Him for our every need because He’s preparing us for our eternity with Him. So, to pray once or twice for Him to take away your temptation is not how it works. And if you have that expectation and mindset, then of course, you’re going to look at God and be like, ‘Well, He doesn’t answer prayers. Now I have to do this in my own strength.’ How well has that been working for you? Obviously not well, right? How much are you going to trust in God when you think you have to overcome your battles in your own strength?”
We ended up having a very meaningful conversation. She’s not very affectionate, but she looked like she needed a hug, so I asked, “Would you like a hug?” I was silently hoping she’d say yes, and when she hesitantly agreed, I was all in.
We were able to discipline her, correct her, and be firm, but we also showed her love and affection. We keep telling our children that our home is a house of grace—a safe space to mess up and try again, and then mess up again and try again. This is the example Jesus has shown me in my life. I’ve stumbled, fallen, and made horribly sinful choices, and He has covered me with grace, forgiven me, and helped me turn away from the things stealing my heart away from Him. So now I can approach my children’s struggles with compassion. When they stumble, I see it as part of the sanctification process. It doesn’t make them less worthy of love; it just means they need a little more help.
When our kids struggle, I want them to know how to move forward. I explained to my daughter that when she’s struggling with temptation – this is such an important life skill! – she needs to start by surrendering that fleshly desire to the Lord. Then, she should come to us for accountability and encouragement. After that, she needs to practice saying to herself, “Today, I’m going to choose self-control and think about how Jesus already died for me. I’m already saved. I don’t need this thing that I’m making an idol out of. I want to glorify the Lord.”
When you do these three things, it does get easier over time to turn away from sin. It won’t happen overnight, but as we grow closer to Jesus, it does become easier to say no to sin. I stressed the importance of reading His Word so she knows the truth and spending time with Him in prayer.
Thankfully, she left the conversation encouraged, smiling, and holding her head higher. Afterward, my husband turned to me and said, “It’s interesting that some parents say they want to be their kid’s best friend, but what does that actually mean? When parents say that, they might define a friend as someone who’s always there for a good time and doesn’t hold them accountable to any standards that honor the Lord. They think being permissive will win their child’s heart. But I think we, as parents, should model godly friendship. We’re here for a good time and to have fun, but we also want what’s best for our children, which means wanting them to honor God and holding them accountable. We want our friends to do things that please the Lord, and when they’re not, we lovingly call them out.”
Our desire is to make God’s authority attractive to our kids through our parenting. So every time we correct them, love on them, share quality time with them, and show them how we live our lives for the Lord, we’re fertilizing the soil of their hearts for the Lord. Once they leave our home to start their adult lives, our role is no longer to lead from the front but to walk alongside them. And we want to build a relationship with them today so that when they are grown, we are still that safe space for them to lean on when they need it. But more importantly, we always want to direct them to the only person who can be their everything and that’s their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!
I want to encourage parents that you’re not alone in whatever it is you’re struggling with your kids. We’re trying to do away with the narrative that you should feel shame about their struggles. Our kids are responsible for their own sin, and it’s God’s burden to work in them. We want to do away with the narrative that as a parent you can’t share with other people and ask for prayer for the struggles you’re having with your children. It’s okay, we’re right there with you. Get help if you need it. Ask for prayer…all the time! Parenting is a big deal. And God never meant for us to do it alone. We have access to the Holy Spirit and the Church!
In the end, disciplining our children and setting boundaries isn’t just about correcting behavior—it’s about guiding them toward a deeper relationship with God and helping them develop the self-control and wisdom they’ll need for the rest of their lives.
Written By: Clarissa Mangaran
