Written By: Sara Walker
I remember the exact moment I got the phone call from my husband about going into the military. He was offered to go into officer training school for the Air Force and wanted my input. I didn’t think twice. I didn’t have to. YES!! I was so excited! I knew we had a lot of adventures ahead of us and I couldn’t wait to get going.
It took me a couple years to learn the nuances of the military life, (sometimes I am a slow learner). I thought his first boss was nicknamed Maj (short for Major… but I didn’t know that at the time). I got stopped by the military police for going too fast on base. Whenever a person gets into trouble on base, they have to tell their sponsor, (in this case my husband). Then, the sponsor has to report to their boss what happened and assure them that the problem won’t happen again. So, I went home and asked my husband who my sponsor was because I was still new to all this military lingo. He shook his head and said, “oh no. What did you do?” He was still relatively new in the Air Force and he was already having to report what his wife had done wrong. His boss thought it was funny because my husband was so nervous telling him his wife was already getting stopped.
We didn’t venture out much at our first base, and it wasn’t until our second base that we learned that this is the perfect time to go out and explore these places that we would never come back to on our own. I also learned how to be a better spouse to my busy husband. He needed a supportive wife for his long days and when he had to go on temporary duty elsewhere. I needed to hold down our home life so he could focus on work. I worked too, but I found my group of friends and was involved in the spouse group at the hospital where my husband worked. So, whatever information he didn’t hear or forgot to pass along to me, I acquired from the group. It was fun to get involved with his work because then I knew what he was talking about when he would come home from work and needed a sounding board.
For almost 20 years, my role was to support my husband in the Air Force. We had two kids grow up during many of the years he served. I was busy being a spouse, mom and juggling my own career in between. During the years we were overseas, and I couldn’t work, I volunteered with the Girl Scout board overseeing the troops. I also got involved in culture groups which consisted of half local nationals (the citizens of the country we lived in) and half spouses of the military. The local nationals would take us places we wouldn’t know to go to. We would do the same for them on base so they could experience some of the American culture (which would be the types of foods we eat or themed parties). I was able to find things that enriched our lives by going out into the country. Once I knew where to go and what my family would want to do, I was able to take them to these places. Because of the friendships I made with these groups, our kids had built-in friends through my connections. It worked.
It wasn’t like the whole experience was a piece of cake. All the moves, leaving friends (that was hard!), but getting new ones, finding schools, new routines, packing, unpacking, etc. The last move we had from military life to civilian life, my husband deployed for 6 months and I had to do everything all by myself (signing papers, getting out of military housing, packing up, moving across the country, finding a house, registering kids, etc). It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I felt like I had a weight on me that I couldn’t carry. I broke down a couple times. But, it’s also that kind of stuff I thrive on. As hard as some of our experiences have been, I have to admit, I was really sad when my husband retired. That portion of my life retired too. I do well putting everything together “behind the scenes”, so to speak, so my husband could focus on his career. If something needed completing, I was the one to do it. I had a purpose.
Now, I am a mom of a college student and a middle schooler. They still need me in vastly different ways. But both are also pretty independent. I am at a point in my life where I am discovering my place in this world. Now that my husband doesn’t need the same support as he did when he was in the military and my kids want to do their own things, I have to find myself again.
Sometimes I wonder, at what point in my life did I lose myself taking care of everyone else? Or, did I just morphed into some better version of myself and I need to figure out who she is? Because of all the experiences I have had a military spouse and raising children, I feel like I have more strength, knowledge and experience in me than when my husband first joined the Air Force. I can tackle just about anything that is thrown at me… except this place of ambiguity. Now what?
I don’t do well sitting and waiting. I like everything planned, lined up, ready and waiting for me to embark on. I feel like I am just standing here with my hands in my pockets wondering what is next. I don’t feel as needed as I used to be. My interests have also changed. I just need to find out what they are exactly. I am at a point where I don’t know what steps I want to take. Everything is wide open. But now that I am no longer a military spouse or a “hands-on” mom, where do I go from here? I know that I have a lot left in me to give.
My desire is to be patient and know that my time is coming. If being a stay-at-home spouse is what I need to do for now, I am ok with that. I just need to be content until I find my purpose.
To those of you who have retired military husbands, how have you adjusted? How have you found your purpose?
Written By: Sara Walker
