Written By: Lindsay Shaw 

Music emanated into the night as the car idled in the summer storm. The canyon river received my mournful wails. I felt exhausted, rageful, lonely, and stuck. Instantly, I was jolted back to memories of past rainstorms snuggled together with my sister when we were children. 

Mini-movie reels begin with ease…. 

Forehead to chin, we would play the upside-down game. One sister turns her head upside down and covers her eyes, and talks. It looks like your chin is your nose while you are talking! Giggles echoed throughout the lantern-lit pop-up camper while we waited out the mountain storm with our family. I could see my parents laughing too. Dad says, “What are you two goofballs doing?” Now we are ALL raucously laughing. “Hey, girls, just make sure you don’t roll your brother off the bed,” he said with a rightfully stern snicker. Our baby brother was tucked tight into his snowsuit for his nap in typical camping style. When the laughing stopped, you could hear the river receiving the raindrops, increasing in swiftness. I whisper, “where are you? I need you.” In your arms, hugging your face. I can smell your hair and see your freckles. It thunders, and I grab your hand in fear, and you do not speak but squeeze it back. 

My first and best friend. We loved, adventured, rescued, and applauded each other from childhood to adulthood. Triumphs came and went. School awards. Bachelors degrees. Playing house, sharing books and music, fighting as teenagers, driving in the jeep, holding each other’s babies, walking through valleys to the river, rescuing each other from dicey situations, climbing mountains, Pat Benatar filling our karaoke playlist. Death was escaped so many times before February 7th, 2019.

Fluttering foggy eyes open at the present-day river. I step outside to feel the rain in the darkness as it cleanses my face and wonder if I will ever be whole again. Then suddenly… I hear the engine sputter, and it goes silent. “No! No, no, no, no…. [choice curse word]. For real?!” I kick the tires repeatedly. I turn the key over and over. Nothing. Click…click… click… I beat the steering wheel and try to rip it off… it’s still intact. No Wonder Woman powers today, or the car would be at the bottom of the river. We are a one-car family, so I call my dad. When he arrives, his eyes are full of empathy and total love. He understands exactly what I am doing there. With the rain pouring down, we jump the battery and limp the car to town. We hug in the rain to say goodbye, I skip dinner, and I go inside to sleep until morning. 

Day 90. 

I feel exhausted but loved. 

Grief and Mourning

Reading through a book by author Allan D Wolfelt I made a life-changing discovery. The author proposed, “grief is what we think and feel on the inside when someone we love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of our grief.” When I had miscarriages and other traumas in the last ten years of my life, I battled within myself because I struggled to mourn these losses with my safest trusted people outwardly. That is where this journey began, and I knew that if I did not mourn my beautiful sister I love so dearly, it would cost me my life.  

“When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled within him and he was deeply troubled. ‘Where have you put him, he asked.’ They told him, ‘Lord come and see.’ Then Jesus wept.” (John 11:33)  

Even though Jesus knew that His Father had the power to resurrect Lazarus, He still wept. I believe this passage in the Bible highlights the importance of grief and mourning in the midst of living a powerful life with our Father God and King. 

Even with all the resources that were available, my journey was my own. There were certain things that made an impact: my husband holding me at my worst and listening to me for hours on end and then putting me to bed, homeschooling my son and experiencing new things, crying and hugging my mom and dad, nieces, and nephews, friends stopping by and calling, talking to my brother-in-law, counseling, attending my watercize class, sleeping, and being alone. But there were many days when it felt as if none of these things were touching any of it, and my life was falling apart. I was learning how to move from minute to minute, then hour to hour, then day to day. Somedays, the goals were simple: breathe and bathe. The world wanted us to be better. But we were not. 

Drive-Thru Lifestyles

Perhaps, most of us are just used to a drive-thru kind of lifestyle? Newsflash: this was not an overnight fix. And it could not be fixed. I was trying to figure out how to move forward without my sister. We all were. 

Even in the Bible, there are many instances where God required a time commitment and waiting. Jacob labored for the love of his life, even when he was wronged. Ester waited to become queen under siege from the onslaught of the enemy. Joshua marched around Jericho, believing in faith that the walls would fall while they worshiped and stood fast! Sometimes the purpose was revealed, and other times it was not. Miracles do happen. We have seen them occur spontaneously. But a significant portion of the time, letting go of our earthly understanding while in the wait, is usually how the story goes. There can still be assurance and hope in both situations, and often maturity and wisdom will be supplied as a result. 

Brene Brown said in her book Rising Strong, “We run from grief because loss scares us. Yet our hearts reach out toward grief because the broken parts want to mend.” Many days I felt like I got kicked in the gut then held underwater for too long. There is a staunch longing for a missing part of us every day.

Peace 

During hard and beautiful moments, I began to ask myself about all of the little gems that I have used to help navigate mourning and grief. Some of these came from counselor feedback, my own experience, talking to people, observing others, books, or web searches.

Here is how I attempt to cultivate P.E.A.C.E during these challenging times: 

1. P: Patience: Take time to allow yourself to be where you are. It is unclear how long you will be here, but it is what is happening in your life at this moment. Some days will go well, and other days will feel like a huge mess. Have patience with yourself and others as you navigate this time.

2. E: Express Emotions and Talk: Talk with those who are close to you, such as a spouse, good friend, counselor, or relative who will be supportive and listen. Use a journal or phone app to help you process emotions that you would like to express, process, or be aware of. 

3. A: Awareness:

  • Be Self-Aware: Do you need to be alone, time to hang out with a partner or trusted family/ friend, a break from a social gathering, or time off work? 
  • Anniversaries, birthdays, special days, and holidays: These can sneak up on you. If they are known, take time to put it in the calendar or put a reminder for a few weeks before, then you can properly prepare yourself. When they take you by surprise, recalibrate how you need to and then move forward.
  • Take Care of Yourself: Ask yourself what you need each day and week. Then make a must-do, can-do, delegate, and it-can-wait list. Being proactive will help you be more successful. On my must-do list for the first six months was eating each day, medication morning, noon, and night, and showering every other day.  

4. C: Commemorate:

  • For infant loss and stillbirth- Baby Name: Some people choose to name their babies that have passed away. It is totally your personal choice. For myself, I have found that it brought a new level of healing. If you have already named your baby, then use his/her name when speaking about your experience and memories. If you are contemplating naming your miscarried, stillborn, or passed baby (even if a considerable amount of time has passed), I encourage you to go for it. My husband and I named our last miscarried baby together, Gabriel James, and I named the other babies before that on my own, mostly because I did not know how to talk about it with my spouse.
  • Memorials or Gravesites: If you have a gravesite or memorial made, visit that place, and bring flowers or items that are important to you.

5. E: Engage: Decide on a plan of action: In general, I try to be purposeful in how I choose to spend my time throughout the day. But, around an anniversary I am sometimes even more diligent to plan my days out. This might look different for you than me, but I make a daily or weekly list in the morning while I am drinking my coffee. The categories in the past have included:

  • How to rest, how to be productive, how to have fun, how to be physically and spiritually healthy, how to take care of our home, how to deal with my emotions when they happen and how to help others. It may be one or all of these. Some days it will just be one or two things from one of those areas. Most of these can be accomplished in small increments throughout the day or week.

Valley seasons help me remember that there is a mountain. Without the valleys, we sometimes do not get to experience all the newly enhanced virtues in our lives, such as faith, wisdom, maturity, humility, confidence, patience, compassion, true inner joy, vulnerability, humor, and courage. I tried so hard to run from pain only to find out it is a part of the foundation that built me. The end does not have to be the end. It can be a new beginning. 

Below I have included a verse and a song that gave me hope that love would win!  

“Now, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord!” (Romans 8:37-39)

“No Weapon” https://youtu.be/NQHw6A623uE

Written By: Lindsay Shaw

Bio: Lindsay Shaw currently works in higher education as a college success advisor. She resides in rural Wyoming with her husband and son. In her free time, she is a writer, mom, and wife who enjoys the outdoors and learning more about up-and-coming technologies. You can find more of her writing at www.shawsomeseasons.com

Sources:  

Barrett, Pat (2020). No Weapon (Song) Retrieved from https://youtu.be/NQHw6A623uE

Brown, Brene (2015). Rising strong (First edition). New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.

Burgess, A. (2017). 10 Ways to Commemorate Your Child after Miscarriage or Pregnancy Loss. Retrieved from Healing After Pregnancy Loss: https://healingafterpregnancyloss.com/commemorate

Psy.D, D. S. (2011, May 19th). The Anniversary Effect. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201105/the-anniversary-effect

Wolfelt, Allan D. Ph.D. (2008). Healing the Adult Siblings Grieving Heart (Second Edition) Fort Collins, CO. Companion Press.

Copyright 2021 Lindsay Shaw