Expectations

Written By: Kari Wiegand

There I was, home alone, thousands of miles apart from my husband on our 1st anniversary. Why, you ask? He was away finishing his first deployment. He was due to fly home three days later and I knew I was lucky just to be able to video chat with him. Months earlier, before he deployed, I had purchased and written in an anniversary card and tucked it into his bag so he’d be able to have something from me even if we couldn’t be together. In my mind I knew that there was no such card tucked away for me at home. I really didn’t expect my husband, as much as I know he loves me, to think about a card that many months ahead of time while he was preparing to leave on his 1st deployment.

But my heart started to wonder, to hope: “Maybe he did leave a card for me somewhere. Maybe he managed to send flowers or something since they made it back to port in time.” But there was no card, no surprise delivery, and I was feeling hurt and disappointed. I knew it made no logical sense to expect any of that given the timing of the deployment, but feelings are funny that way; they don’t care about logic.

As I was dealing with my frustration, I was reminded of that often-used trope in countless tv shows: husband forgets anniversary/wife’s bday, wife gets mad, husband is left to figure out why and use the remaining time in the episode to “make it up” to his wife. I found myself wondering why it was acceptable and “normal” for the wife to get mad. I’m guessing that these fictional characters hadn’t voiced their wants or expectations to their husbands in advance. I know I didn’t.

How could I get mad at my husband for not doing something he had no idea he was supposed to do? I spent the next week or so in quiet reflection and conversations with God about how to handle this type of thing in the future. And as He often does, He gave me a simple solution: tell your husband what you want. Just tell him? Could it be that easy? I like simple, so I figured I’d give it a shot. Luckily enough for me, my birthday is less than three weeks after our anniversary so I was able to immediately put this new plan into action.

I figured out exactly what I wanted and then I approached my husband. I said “My birthday is coming up. I need 3 things for it to feel like my birthday: 1) I need to go out somewhere (to a movie, to dinner, whatever), 2) I need to blow out a candle, and 3) I need to unwrap something.” And you know what? He did all three of those things for me without question or hesitation! Even better – he’s continued to do those things for me every year without me even having to ask again (though I do have all birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays clearly marked on a calendar in the kitchen). So yes, it was that easy!

If our Heavenly Father, who knows what’s in our hearts, knows what we’re thinking before we even say a word (Psalm 139:1-4), knows what we need before we ask (Matthew 6:8) and still wants us to present our requests to Him (Philippians 4:6), how could we expect the people in our lives to know what we want without us telling them? I’d like to encourage you to talk with your spouse, respectfully voice your needs and wants with love and see what happens.

Part two of this lesson and the harder part for me? Listening when my husband told me his expectations. My husband is basically my exact opposite when it comes to birthdays and the like. He wants to stay home and treat it like any other day. BORING! But since he has so lovingly met my expectations and made every birthday feel special for me, I’ve had to learn to reign in my enthusiasm and give him what he wants for his birthday, not what I want for mine. I still get him a card because, since Gift Giving is my #1 Love Language, it’s quite difficult for me to basically not acknowledge special days, but my husband has extended grace to me and allowed me to “get away” with it.

Ladies, let’s avoid unnecessary hurt, disappointment, and anger! Our relationships with our husbands shouldn’t be a guessing game for us or them. If the Lord presents us with a simple solution, let’s not over-think it. Grab hold of it, figure out how and when to implement it, and go for it!

What was a simple but highly impactful lesson you’ve learned about your relationship with your spouse?